● When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
– 羅禮士出生後就開車把他媽媽從醫院載回家。
● Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
– 羅禮士從不讀書：他都是狠狠瞪著書本，直到書本供出他想要的資訊。
● Chuck Norris can speak braille.
– 羅禮士可以用點字和人對談。
● Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
– 羅禮士的日曆在 3/31 之後就是 4/2：沒有人可以愚弄羅禮士。 (註：想想 4/1 是什麼日子…)
● The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
– 羅禮士出的唯一一次錯：他認為自己犯錯了。
● Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn’t kill women.
– 羅禮士不殺女人，所以 Kenny G 有權利活著。
● In his will, Chuck Norris has specified that if he dies, he will bury himself.
– 羅禮士的遺囑特別註明：他死後要自己埋葬自己。
生活：
● Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
– 羅禮士可以用腳打好鞋帶。
● Chuck Norris’ Doesn’t wear a Watch, he Decides what Time it is.
– 羅禮士不使用時鐘或手錶，因為現在時間是由他決定的。
● Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number; you answer the wrong phone.
– 羅禮士不會打錯電話，而是對方接錯電話。
● Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it is just afriad to move.
– 羅禮士房間有張棕熊做的地毯：其實那頭熊還沒死，牠只是不敢動。
● When children go to bed, they take a teddy bear with them. When Chuck Norris goes to bed, he takes a grizzly bear with him.
– 小孩子都是抱著泰迪熊睡覺，羅禮士則是大灰熊。
● Chuck Norris owns a custom belt sander with three settings: Low, High, and Shave.
– 羅禮士有一台特製的砂輪機，上面設定是：弱→強→刮鬍。
● When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
– 羅禮士走進室內時不是開燈，他是「關掉黑暗」。
● When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
– 當羅禮士面對鏡子時，鏡子就破碎了：因為鏡子沒笨到被兩個羅禮士夾在中間。
● In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
– 一間民宅的客廳裏平均會有 1242 種羅禮士可拿來殺人的物品，包括客廳本身。
● Chuck Norris always makes the shower head cry.
– 羅禮士洗澡不用轉開關，他只是瞪著水龍頭讓它哭而已。
● After a shower, Chuck Norris dosen’t need a towel, he just tells the water to get the hell off!
– 洗完澡後羅禮士不需要浴巾擦乾，他只要叫水份離開他的身體就好了。
飲食：
● Chuck Norris can tie cherry stems with his ear.
– 羅禮士可以用耳朵把櫻桃梗打結。
● Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
– 羅禮士去漢堡王點了一個大麥克，而且他拿到了。
● Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
– 羅禮士切洋蔥時總是讓洋蔥流眼淚。
影劇：
● Chuck Norris has a stunt double. For crying scenes.
– 羅禮士有專業替身：用在要哭的場景。
● Chuck Norris was denied auditioning for “Mission Impossible”, for obvious reasons.
– 電影「不可能的任務」拒絕羅禮士去試鏡，原因很明顯。
● Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
– 「24 小時反恐任務」本來是要找羅禮士來演的，但後來不得不換角：因為他在 12 分 37 秒時就全數殲滅恐怖份子。
● James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
– 當初詹姆斯克麥隆本來是要找羅禮士演魔鬼終結者，但發現那樣會變成真實紀錄片，只好改找阿諾。
● Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies…… As The Force.
– 羅禮士在六部「星際大戰」電影中都有演出……他飾演「原力」。
● Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting… because he’s not acting.
– 羅禮士從未因演技而拿到奧斯卡獎：因為他並不是在演戲。
● The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
– 「死亡鈴聲」的語源是：看電影時坐在羅禮士後面的人沒把手機鈴聲關掉。 (註：原意是指「非常相像的人」)
● Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
– 羅禮士曾和超人對打，並賭說輸的人要把內褲穿在褲子外面。
● Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
– 有些粉絲會穿超人睡衣，超人則穿著羅禮士睡衣。
● When someone is in trouble it’s a job for Superman, when Superman is in trouble it’s a job for Chuck Norris.
– 普通人發生危難時超人會出動，超人發生危難時羅禮士會出動。
● When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Chuck Norris signal.
– 當蝙蝠俠遇到問題，他會用探照燈打出羅禮士的頭像。
● Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck’s gas tank as a joke… that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
– 有一次羅禮士惡作劇尿在一輛貨櫃車的油箱裏… 那輛車後來變成我們知道的「變形金剛」柯博文。
社會：
● There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
– 美國四種合法死刑處刑方式：注射毒藥、毒氣室、電椅、羅禮士。
● When you celebrate your birthday, you do not celebrate the date of your birth, you celebrate that Chuck Norris allowed you to live another year.
– 在生日時慶祝的不是長了一歲，而是羅禮士又讓人活了一年。
● Once the cop pulled over Chuck Norris….the cop was lucky to leave with a warning.
– 交通警察曾經攔下羅禮士，那個條子很幸運地只有被警告就被放走了。
● Firefighters save the fire from Chuck Norris.
– 消防人員要從羅禮士手下救「火」。
● A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
– 身障車位不是專門為了身障人士而設的，事實上是在標明羅禮士的車位，如果你停在上面，會被他打成半殘。
● There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
– 曾經有一條「羅禮士路」，但後來改名了：沒有人可以踩在羅禮士上還活命。
● Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
– 羅禮士可能不知道你住在哪裏，但他知道你會死在哪裏。
● When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
– 羅禮士比 YA! 時表示：你還有兩秒鐘可活。
● Uri Geller bends spoons with his mind, Chuck Norris bends minds with a spoon.
– 超能力者用精神力讓湯匙扭曲，羅禮士則用湯匙讓人精神扭曲。
● Chuck Norris has lived on the sun, this period of time was known as the Ice Age.
– 羅禮士曾經住在太陽裏，那段期間我們稱為「冰河期」。
● When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
– 當貝爾發明電話後, 他發現有三通來自羅禮士的未接來電。
● Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
– 黑色是羅禮士發明的，更精確的說：整個可見光光譜都是羅禮士發明的……但不包括粉紅色，那是湯姆克魯斯發明的。
● Light just wishes it was a fast as one of Chuck’s fists.
– 光線一直希望自己的速度能有羅禮士的拳速那麼快。
● Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
– 羅禮士可以被零整除。
● The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
– π (pi) 的最後一位數就是羅禮士，因為他終結任何事物。
● Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
– 羅禮士曾經從一數到無限大……兩次。
● Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.
– 羅禮士可以摩擦兩塊冰塊生火。
● Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
– 羅禮士曾痛扁他的影子，因為老是跟他太近，現在影子都只敢離他 30 呎遠。
● Chuck Norris is so intimidating even his reflection won’t look back at him.
– 連羅禮士的水中倒影都要避免和他有眼神接觸。
● The sheep on Chuck Norris’ farm are the ones that give us steel wool.
– 現代鋼絲的原料：來自羅禮士農場養的綿羊。
● The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris’ initials. This is not a coincidence.
– 劇毒「氰化物」的化學符號 CN 和羅禮士 (Chuck Norris) 名字的縮寫一樣：這並不是巧合。
天文：
● We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
– 「宇宙膨脹」的原因就是宇宙萬物都在逃離羅禮士。
● Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
– 羅禮士有 12 顆衛星，其中一顆是地球。
● Chuck Norris once kicked the Earth, it hasn’t stopped spinning.
– 羅禮士踢了地球一下，它到現在還沒停止轉動。
● Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.
– 羅禮士已經登陸火星過了，這就是為何那裏沒有生命跡象。
● Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
– 其實外星人真的存在，但他們沒有笨到來接近有羅禮士的星球。
● There are no mysteries in the universe. Only things that Chuck Norris hasn’t shared with the rest of us.
– 宇宙中已經沒有奧秘了，只是羅禮士還沒跟大家分享他去過的地方而已。
生物：
● There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
– 沒有「進化論」這種東西，只有「羅禮士允許存活物種清單」而已。
● Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
– 羅禮士對一匹馬打出上鉤拳，於是就產生了長頸鹿。
● Chuck Norris can drown fish.
– 羅禮士能把魚淹死。
● Chuck Norris was once bitten by a poisonous snake. after three das of excrutiating pain, the cobra died.
– 羅禮士曾經被毒蛇咬過：在經過三天的極度痛苦後….那條蛇死了。
● Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
– 羅禮士能從檸檬榨出柳橙汁。
醫學：
● Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.
– 怕蜘蛛稱作「恐蛛症」、害怕狹小空間稱作「幽閉恐懼症」，害怕羅禮士叫作「邏輯」。
● Chuck Norris donated his heart to a hospital…..twice.
– 羅禮士曾經捐過他的心臟……兩次。
● Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
– 羅禮士是不睡覺的，他只是在等待。
● Chuck Norris can measure his weight with a ruler.
– 羅禮士可以用直尺量出他的體重。
● The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
– 剛生出來的嬰兒會哭，是因為知道這個世界有羅禮士在。
● Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe; he holds air hostage.
– 羅禮士不呼吸，他是挾持空氣當人質。
● The leading causes of death in the United States are 1.Heart Disease 2.Chuck Norris 3.Cancer.
– 美國三大死亡原因：1.心臟疾病 2.羅禮士 3.癌症。
● Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
– 羅禮士的身體各部份都被登記為殺傷性武器，他的脾臟更被五十個州認定為隱藏式武器。
● Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
– 羅禮士的眼淚是癌症的特效藥，但很遺憾：他永不流淚。
● Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just not his own.
– 羅禮士常常去捐血……不過並不是他的血。
● There is no “ctrl” button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
– 羅禮士的鍵盤上沒有「Control」，因為他就能控制萬物。
● Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
– 羅禮士可以刪掉資源回收筒。
● Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.
– 比爾蓋茲一直活在擔心羅禮士的 PC 當機的恐懼中，終於受不了而退休了。
● Chuck Norris doesn’t need twitter, he’s already following you.
– 羅禮士不需要推特、Facebook、噗浪，因為他隨時都可以追蹤到你。
● Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
– 絕對不要在 Google 上搜尋羅禮士，因為你找不到什麼資料，反而還會被他知道你在追蹤他。
– (請在 Google 搜尋輸入「Chuck Norris」，然後點「好手氣」，Google 會告訴你：「在你還有機會時，快逃啊！」)
遊戲：
● Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
– 羅禮士就是為什麼威力還躲著的原因。 (註：「威力在哪裏」)
● Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
– 羅禮士曾經下了三子就贏了四子棋。
● Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
– 有些小孩會用尿在雪地上寫自己的名字，羅禮士則是用尿在水泥地刻出自己的名字。
● Chuck Norris can win rock, paper, scissors without using rock, paper, or scissors.
– 石頭贏剪刀、剪刀贏布、布贏石頭，但是羅禮士贏過這三個。
● Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
– 羅禮士騎獨輪車也可以翹孤輪。
● Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won
– 羅禮士用裝滿六顆子彈的左輪手槍玩俄羅斯輪盤也能獲勝。
● When Chuck Norris plays pac-man the ghosts stay in their box.
– 羅禮士玩小精靈「PAC-MAN」時，那幾隻鬼都只敢躲在框框裏不敢出來。
● Chuck Norris has an Xbox Live account. On Playstation.
– 羅禮士有 XBox Live 的帳號：用 PS1 拿到的。
● Chuck Norris flew his first paper airplane when he was 4 years old. It landed yesterday.
– 羅禮士在四歲時丟出一隻紙飛機，昨天終於落地了。
● Chuck Norris doesn’t play “hide-and-seek.” He plays “hide-and-pray-I-don’t-find-you.”
– 羅禮士不玩「躲迷藏」，他玩「躲起來並祈禱我不去找你」。
● Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
– 能贏過同花大順的，就只有羅禮士的手了。
體育：
● When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
– 羅禮士做伏地挺身的時候，他並不是撐起自己，而是把地球壓下去。
● Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
– 羅禮士是唯一在網球比賽中贏過一堵磚牆的人。
● While vacationing in France, Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride and accidentally won the Tour de France.
– 某次羅禮士在法國渡假時，騎腳踏車四處晃晃，最後不小心贏了環法自行車大賽冠軍。
● Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
– 某些魔術師能在水上行走，羅禮士則是在陸地中游泳。
● Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
– 羅禮士曾玩過一次花式跳傘，之後他就不再做了……因為大峽谷只有一個就很夠了。
● Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
– 羅禮士可以用一隻鳥殺掉兩顆石頭。
● Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
– 「時間不等待任何人」……除非那個人就是羅禮士。
● You win some： you lose some. Chuck Norris wins ALL.
– 「勝敗乃兵家常事」，但羅禮士永遠只有勝利。
● The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
– 「筆勝於劍：文勝於武」……但只限於那枝筆是在羅禮士手上。
● Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
– 每個成功的男人背後都有個女人，每個死人背後則都有羅禮士。
● Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
– 羅馬是羅禮士一天造成的。
● There’s no point in crying over spilled milk unless it’s Chuck Norris’ milk… then you’re gonna die.
– 別為打翻的牛奶流淚 (別為無法挽救的事後悔)，除非你打翻的是羅禮士的牛奶…… 因為你死定了。
● When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
– 「人並不是完美的」對於羅禮士來說是句侮辱的話。
● Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
– 羅禮士的「愛」，指的是「不殺」。
宗教、信仰：
● When God said, “Let there be light”, Chuck Norris said, “say please.”
– 上帝說「要有光」，羅禮士說「該加個『請』字吧」。
● Jesus turned water into wine, Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
– 耶穌把水變成葡萄酒，羅禮士把葡萄酒變成啤酒。
● Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
– 妖魔鬼怪們露營時晚上的經典活動：圍著營火講「羅禮士故事」。
● Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
– 死神曾經有過一次「瀕羅禮士體驗」。 (人類則有「濱死體驗」)
● Chuck Norris cannot experience Death, but Death can experience Chuck Norris.
– 羅禮士不會經歷死亡，但死亡會經歷羅禮士。
● Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.
– 羅禮士其實在二十年之前就已經死了，但是死神還沒勇氣去找他。
● When Chuck Norris was asked if he believed that the world was going to end in 2012, he resonded: “Depends how I’m feeling that day.”
– 有人問羅禮士相不相信 2012 年是世界末日，他回答「要看我那時心情好不好」。
歷史：
● Chuck Norris once played with Legos. The result was The Great Pyramids.
– 羅禮士玩過樂高積木：這也是金字塔的由來。
● The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
– 當初建萬里長城的目的是為了擋住羅禮士，但很顯然是失敗了。
● Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
– 羅禮士用手指著德軍戰鬥機喊「磅！」，該戰機就墜毀了。
● The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn’t even come close.
– 曼哈頓計畫原本的目的是要重現羅禮士的破壞力，但很顯然完成品和模仿對象差距很大。
● In World War II, The US could choose between an Atomic Bomb and Chuck Norris to punish Japan. The US choose the lighter punishment.
– 太平洋戰爭時，美國可以從原子彈和羅禮士中二選一：美軍最後決定用比較人道的方法。
● Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now called the Islands.
– 羅禮士曾到過維京群島 (Virgin Islands)……現在那邊就只叫「群島」(The Islands) 了。 (註解：Virgin 指「處女」)
● In 1986 the U.S.S.R. attempted to clone Chuck Norris. The scientists failure was covered up and we now know their attempt as the Chernobyl disaster.
– 1986 年，蘇聯科學家企圖複製羅禮士但失敗：這就是我們後來所知道的「車諾比核能災害」。
● There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq because Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
– 伊拉克並沒有大規模毀滅武器，因為羅禮士是住在奧克拉荷馬。
最後再強調：羅理士沒有八卦、沒有傳說、沒有神蹟，只有「真相」！不相信的人，請看看這位仁兄的下場：
● ohh come on! hes just a stupid actor. if he was god, he would come to my house and slam my head to the keyboafdlasgksangjkashglkjasfkv;sdklhb;odhglasjdghgdnisgesgusdgrhugrnhusdgrljsgrljsdgjgjksdfks
– 推 Datow:羅禮士不過就是個B級片鳥演員 要是他真的那麼神 他為什麼現在沒有把我一全灌在鍵ㄆs7u兒2雌83批ruwe葛j3ur&^27%^%^$ 12/16 01:03
